In the movie What To
Expect When You’re Expecting there is a girl that is referred to as the
“magical pregnancy unicorn.” While the other characters struggle through
stretch marks, morning sickness, exhaustion, and even miscarriage and
infertility, she glides through pregnancy with twins looking like a model and
feeling better than ever. She is revered and hated because she seems impervious to the unfortunate symptoms of pregnancy.
Everyone reading this probably has a unicorn in mind. There
are many of these mystical creatures that walk among us. The marriage
unicorn(s) who seem to never have any fights or intimacy issues. The career
unicorns who seem to float to the top of their fields as easily as though they
were anchored to this earth with nothing more weighty than a few giant weather
balloons. The school unicorns who appear to never study or show up to class but
somehow manage to waltz away with a higher grade than the poor minions who
formed study groups and sweated over each test question and essay. The list goes on, but they live among us and taunt us with
their seemingly effortless perfection.
When I was younger, I was taunted by unicorns. These
unicorns were married women. They were the cheerleaders and I was the gangly
nerd in the back. As a single lady, it seemed that there was something extremely
special about these women. Whether they had been married for one year or fifty
years, in my mind, they possessed an otherworldly wisdom. They were special,
set apart, and most importantly chosen.
Men had deemed them worthy of pursuit and even lifelong companionship.
I knew that marriage would be hard work and a lifetime of
putting someone else first. When we
discussed marriage, Esquire and I asked each other “What do you think marriage
should be?”. My response was something along the lines of “Marriage is hard
work. Marriage is loving someone when you don’t like them. It’s staying through
the tough times and putting each other first even when it’s hard.” I’ve known
since I was young that love isn’t an emotion. It is an action. It is
commitment.
There’s this unwritten code in our culture today that you
should only project the good things and leave the ugly side of relationships as
a very private thing between you and your spouse. I don’t necessarily disagree
with the premise, but I think that it leaves your single friends with this
unfair idea of what your marriage looks like.
However, now that I’m a new initiate of the super elitist
club that I so often envied, I want to lift the veil off the mystical state of
marriage. These are a few things I’ve learned about men, myself, and marriage.
Jamie’s List of Random Things I’ve
Learned In Nine Months of Marriage
Inside every man is a
vulnerable little boy. Don’t get me wrong…my husband is a strong,
masculine, protective hunk of a man. Still, sometimes he just needs me to give
him a big kiss and tell him how proud I am of who he is and his
accomplishments. He looks to me for confirmation that I appreciate his efforts
to care for me. Sometimes he needs me to praise his video game playing
abilities or his cleverness in solving a complex problem. I’ve seen this with
other men, but I’ve never been blessed with the trust my husband gives me by
showing me the most vulnerable places in his heart.
My husband is
tragically flawed. No, I’m not referring to the fact that he doesn’t look
like Ryan Gosling. I’m referring to the fact that he’s human. Being selfless
doesn’t come easily to him. He struggles with balancing his own need for rest
and relaxation with my need for communication and companionship. The beautiful
thing in all this is that even though it’s not easy for him, he acts very
selflessly because he loves me. We fight and probably always will, but his
desire to act out his love for me leads him to treat me with extraordinary
respect. Which leads me to…
Fighting is not as
bad when you’re married. To clarify, fighting with Esquire isn’t nearly as
scary for me because no matter what I know that he won’t leave me. Both of us
have very strong beliefs about the sanctity of our vows. It gives me such peace
to know that we can be upset with each other and know that he will still love
me…even if he doesn’t like me. I was always wracked with insecurity when I
fought with ex-boyfriends because they could just leave (and they did!). Every
once in a while, old insecurities pop up, but they don’t stay long because they
have no place in our marriage and I know that.
Being Newlyweds Is
Like A Never Ending Slumber Party. I feel like I’m at the best slumber
party ever because I get to stay up late with my best friend whenever I want.
We eat junk food and dance randomly. We make up silly jokes and talk to each
other in goofy voices. We kind of crack ourselves up.
I’m Not An Easy
Person To Live With. Living with me is not a cakewalk. I’m moody, occasionally
irrational, messy, and have no sense of time. I’m not saying I’m not trying to
change and put Esquire first, but the truth is that my natural state resembles
a grizzly bear that got woken up from winter hibernation a few weeks early.
Apparently, I’m not an easy person to live with…who knew? ;) (The answer to
that is “All my family and friends”)
Little Issues That
Aren’t Addressed Become Big Issues Eventually. I knew this prior to
marriage, but I have realized that it’s unfair to my husband to go from
seemingly normal to borderline hysterical because a minor issue triggers bigger
issues. I struggle to communicate these small things effectively, not because I
want to hide them, but because I often don’t realize how much they have been
bothering me until I’m a sobbing mess.
I, like many people in my generation, crave authenticity. I will
strive to always provide honest posts about marriage, motherhood, and whatever
else I post about. I’m not going to broadcast every little bump in our
marriage, but know that we’re not perfect. We fuss, fight, and struggle to die
to ourselves every day. There’s much to be improved, but overall, I can’t even
imagine anything else. My husband, flaws and all, makes me so happy. I only
hope I make him half as happy as he makes me. This man that prays for me,
fights with me, and dances with me is the best husband and friend that I could
ever imagine and I’m going to make sure that our daughter knows every day how
much her parents love each other.
